The highest state of raising children: empathy

01

A Japanese TV series "Spice Girl at the bottom", an inspirational young Japanese drama film that has been well received since its release, has made many people fan an ordinary but reasonable woman in the film.

she is the mother of Shayejia, a rebellious teenager in the film.

Shayega is a very poor student in the movie. After going to cram school for a long time, his grades still don't improve much.

in the face of the cynicism of teachers and classmates, including his father and brother, Sha Yejia completely collapsed at the thought of his hopelessness in college entrance examination.

she ran out of the classroom like crazy and cried wantonly and desperately in the heavy rain. looking at her daughter in such a mess and suffering, the mother of Ming did not say a word of scolding, but hugged her daughter into her arms.

gently say to her: it doesn't matter if you feel too tired to give up, you have worked very hard.

because of his academic backwardness, Shayega once wanted to give up, and the teacher said there was nothing he could do about it.

but Ming's mother never wanted to give up and criticize in the past, and responded firmly to the teacher's questions:

I want my children to do what they like, no matter what the people around me say, even if I am the enemy of the world, I will be by her side.

it is the infinite respect, understanding, and tolerant education of Ming's mother that enables Shayejia to forge ahead without resistance or burden.

in psychology, there is a term called empathy, which in short refers to one party's understanding and experience of the other's inner world.

this kind of compassion is particularly important in the education of children, requiring parents to accept and respect their children's emotions or behavior first, and then to better guide and help their children to establish a correct and good psychological cognition.

and Ming mothers never interfere or stop because of some negative emotions or behaviors of their children, but always stand to understand why their children suffer. How to make children more happy to appease, communicate and guide positively.

I have to say that Mama Ming is a very empathetic mother in dealing with her children's emotional problems.

02

empathy is the first step into a child's inner world.

the world is full of parents who love their children and few who understand them.

Xu Tiansheng, a master of body and mind therapy, once did psychological counseling for a 23-year-old boy.

the boy graduated from a prestigious school, had an enviable job and could have led a very decent life.

but he chose to drink all day long. He refused to go to work, ignored his wife after marriage, ignored the children after having children, and did nothing but drink.

it takes several bottles of wine to go to each treatment. During the treatment, he confided to the doctor that he had been arranged by his mother all his life, that he had volunteered for the college entrance examination, which university, and what subject he should enroll in. His mother never asked him for advice, nor did she care whether he liked or was willing to do so. He never respected or trusted him.

so he hated his mother and tried to get back at her by destroying himself, making her regret and decide her own life!

and her mother is so miserable that she can't even understand: she thinks she loves her child so much, gives him a lot of money, gives him the best things, gives him a world-class education, why does he waste his life, why does he hate her?

Montessori believes that making children obey the will of adults is the biggest and most shameful mistake made by adults.

the mother arranged and ruined her child's life. In educating children, one of the most important steps has been ignored from the beginning: listening and respecting their wishes.

in the long run, it falls into a vicious circle, giving me what I don't want and what I don't like.

as for the mother's pain: if you don't ask about the child's inner world before, you won't understand it later.

Rogers thinks it's important to be yourself. If our life experience is passive participation, or the result of the will of others, no matter how great or beautiful the will of others may seem, we will feel very uncomfortable.

but children who are repressed from an early age and are not respected and understood have no self at all, and even if they are excellent, they will have a broken heart in their hearts.

Luo Jing said: parents who understand empathy are more likely to get into the hearts of their children.

parents who do not understand empathy lack the minimum respect and acceptance for their children, but do not know that respect and acceptance is the beginning of real education.

03

the empathy ability of parents determines whether the family relationship is harmonious or not.

A reporter in Beijing once recorded these heartfelt words when interviewing a high school student:

for as long as I can remember, my parents have been comparing others to me, especially after every parent-teacher meeting. and give me a criticism and education.

since they think other people's children are good, they should ask them to be sons.

besides, it's not that I don't want to be better. I'm trying, too, but why can't they see my change? Why can't Mom and Dad understand me?

they comfort themselves when they get a bad promotion or a bad job, and I hope they understand what I'm thinking: don't compare me to other people's children.

the words bluntly cover the gap between parents and their children on educational issues.

Don't do to others what you don't want to do to others. Parents themselves hate being compared, but their children are forced to accept it calmly.

William Goldfarb said: "the most important thing in educating children is to treat them as equal people and give them unlimited love."

the so-called equality requires parents to learnEmpathy with children, synchronization with children, because understanding is the premise of care.

from a psychological point of view, parents often compare other people's children with their own children, which will also make their children feel that their parents' love is conditional.

in this way, children may have a lot of negative emotions, and over time, the parent-child relationship is out of balance on the balance of less and less understanding.

parents complain about their children, while children hate their parents.

04

parents understand empathy and can help their children grow up more easily and perfectly on the basis of understanding.

Wu Jigang, a famous Chinese designer in New York, has always liked to play with beautiful girls' toys, especially Barbie dolls.

as a boy, his strange behavior caused teachers and classmates not to understand or even laugh at him, which made him manic and miserable for a time.

however, his mother, Chen Meiyun, did not arbitrarily deny and scold him, but through careful observation, understanding and communication, she realized that the reason why the child loves Barbie so much is because she likes the beautiful clothes she wears.

after realizing the child's unique aesthetic and interest in clothing, he specially sent him to the United States to study fashion design, and encouraged him not to be afraid of the eyes of others.

later, Wu Jigang became a world-famous fashion designer. At the inauguration ceremony of the president of the United States, even the clothes worn by Mrs. Obama were designed by him.

for what he has achieved today, he freely owes all to his mother's "connivance" and understanding.

he said: my mother knows me better than I do. she accompanied me through my childhood when I was struggling and looking for identity, and she knew early on that my son was a different child.

now this wise mother is also invited to teach and share her parenting skills everywhere.

when talking about her parenting experience, Chen Meiyun said that what moved her most was her son Wu Jigang's grateful confession to her: thank you, Mom, you can let me be myself.

to reveal the true meaning of her successful education: Chen Meiyun has always respected and accepted the uniqueness of Wu Jigang and let him do what he loves and is good at.

Ikeda Daisaku said that every child is also an independent person, not the property of his parents, his personality is an integral part of society, and this personality must be cultivated with abundant love.

so what parents have to do is to accept and explore their children's different world with compassion.

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because only compassionate love can help children grow up more perfectly and freely!

there are no parents who do not love their children, but not every pair of parents can understand their children.

I don't know that only by knowing children first can we love them better. To understand children, we must first learn empathy.

so empathy is the first step in the correct education of children.